Judah had 10 seizures last night……. 10!!

…we’ve had two hospital stays….tons of tests…tons of doctors….medicine with plenty of nasty side effects….and yet still, he had TEN!  … in ONE night!
Know what?!  It made me mad.  And sad.  But mainly mad…
I don’t like feeling like we took 10 steps back. I don’t like seeing my sweet boy go through this. I don’t like that we’ve spent so much time and energy and emotion in search for answers yet have none.  I don’t like seeing Judah hurt, seeing Chad hurt, seeing my kids hurt…and I don’t like hurting myself quite frankly.

After throwing a pity party for far too long today I finally snuck away for some alone time with the Lord…Didn’t even know where to start but grabbed my Bible, plopped onto the bed, and opened it up.  Out fell some loose papers I’ve saved over the years.  They’re filled with prayers that have been prayed over us, promises spoken, notes I’ve saved, etc.  What caught my eye was a page of ripped out notebook paper with my scribbled handwriting from 3 years ago.

“I want to hear the heart of God – know His thoughts toward me. I must obey His correction in my life.  No running. No talking the talk. I want to be the real deal – heart burning for Him more than anything or anyone else.  Fear of Him bigger than fear of any man! Desire for Him bigger than any desire for His benefits. I want to be addicted Him, His love, His friendship, His presence, His praise, his voice, His Word. Over-flowing out of the abundance of Jesus inside of me….”

You know what I was longing for??  Jesus.  Just Him.  His heart.  His thoughts… Him…But these past couple weeks I’ve been longing for answers…longing for results….longing for a quick fix, as quickly as possible, like fix it yesterday already, God!  And not finding the results. Not finding the answers.  Coming up short, hurting, frustrated…trying so hard to simply trust like a little child again, yet really struggling.

I was reminded of an embarrassing fiasco from a couple months ago when I spent TWO weeks searching for my wedding ring.  It consumed me. I was thinking about it constantly and looking for it everywhere.  I knew I had lost it in our home so I tore our place apart looking for it.  Every drawer, every cupboard, every couch cushion and it was nowhere to be found.  And you know what is so embarrassing about this?  IT’S NOT EVEN REAL!!!  Good gravy!!  I gave my real wedding ring away years ago!  So here I was wasting my thoughts, energy, and time on a ring that holds no nostalgia, no precious memories, and certainly no eternal value…nothing! I could hop online and order another fake one for under fifty bucks. ha! Come on now, Krista. Get you act together!
Jeremiah 29:13 says “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.”  Well, embarrassing as it is, I certainly know what it looks like to search for something with all of my heart…but have I really searched for Jesus with all of my heart?  Or only His benefits? Or only his promises? Or only his healing for my boy?

My flesh wants to retreat.  Wants to check out.  Wants to say, “I’m done. It’s too hard.  I don’t know how to stand any more, God! It’s taking SO long!”  But today, my heart is longing to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” (Heb 12:1) and do a search… not for a ring…not a google search for every remedy under the sun or every cause of seizures known to man.  But a treasure hunt for something more…to begin anew with a search for just Jesus.  Only Him.  Nothing more, nothing less.  With the confidence of Matthew 6:33 – “but seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.