Fake Diamonds

Judah had 10 seizures last night……. 10!!

…we’ve had two hospital stays….tons of tests…tons of doctors….medicine with plenty of nasty side effects….and yet still, he had TEN!  … in ONE night!
Know what?!  It made me mad.  And sad.  But mainly mad…
I don’t like feeling like we took 10 steps back. I don’t like seeing my sweet boy go through this. I don’t like that we’ve spent so much time and energy and emotion in search for answers yet have none.  I don’t like seeing Judah hurt, seeing Chad hurt, seeing my kids hurt…and I don’t like hurting myself quite frankly.

After throwing a pity party for far too long today I finally snuck away for some alone time with the Lord…Didn’t even know where to start but grabbed my Bible, plopped onto the bed, and opened it up.  Out fell some loose papers I’ve saved over the years.  They’re filled with prayers that have been prayed over us, promises spoken, notes I’ve saved, etc.  What caught my eye was a page of ripped out notebook paper with my scribbled handwriting from 3 years ago.

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“I want to hear the heart of God – know His thoughts toward me. I must obey His correction in my life.  No running. No talking the talk. I want to be the real deal – heart burning for Him more than anything or anyone else.  Fear of Him bigger than fear of any man! Desire for Him bigger than any desire for His benefits. I want to be addicted Him, His love, His friendship, His presence, His praise, his voice, His Word. Over-flowing out of the abundance of Jesus inside of me….”

You know what I was longing for??  Jesus.  Just Him.  His heart.  His thoughts… Him…But these past couple weeks I’ve been longing for answers…longing for results….longing for a quick fix, as quickly as possible, like fix it yesterday already, God!  And not finding the results. Not finding the answers.  Coming up short, hurting, frustrated…trying so hard to simply trust like a little child again, yet really struggling.

I was reminded of an embarrassing fiasco from a couple months ago when I spent TWO weeks searching for my wedding ring.  It consumed me. I was thinking about it constantly and looking for it everywhere.  I knew I had lost it in our home so I tore our place apart looking for it.  Every drawer, every cupboard, every couch cushion and it was nowhere to be found.  And you know what is so embarrassing about this?  IT’S NOT EVEN REAL!!!  Good gravy!!  I gave my real wedding ring away years ago!  So here I was wasting my thoughts, energy, and time on a ring that holds no nostalgia, no precious memories, and certainly no eternal value…nothing! I could hop online and order another fake one for under fifty bucks. ha! Come on now, Krista. Get you act together!
Jeremiah 29:13 says “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.”  Well, embarrassing as it is, I certainly know what it looks like to search for something with all of my heart…but have I really searched for Jesus with all of my heart?  Or only His benefits? Or only his promises? Or only his healing for my boy?

My flesh wants to retreat.  Wants to check out.  Wants to say, “I’m done. It’s too hard.  I don’t know how to stand any more, God! It’s taking SO long!”  But today, my heart is longing to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” (Heb 12:1) and do a search… not for a ring…not a google search for every remedy under the sun or every cause of seizures known to man.  But a treasure hunt for something more…to begin anew with a search for just Jesus.  Only Him.  Nothing more, nothing less.  With the confidence of Matthew 6:33 – “but seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

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“For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.” Habakkuk 2:3
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4 thoughts on “Fake Diamonds

  1. Uh, thank you! I really needed to hear this!

    From: Judah’s Journey To: carldt@sbcglobal.net Sent: Wednesday, June 17, 2015 4:09 PM Subject: [New post] Fake Diamonds #yiv1094845435 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv1094845435 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv1094845435 a.yiv1094845435primaryactionlink:link, #yiv1094845435 a.yiv1094845435primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv1094845435 a.yiv1094845435primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv1094845435 a.yiv1094845435primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv1094845435 WordPress.com | kristadearey posted: “Judah had 10 seizures last night……. 10!!…we’ve had two hospital stays….tons of tests…tons of doctors….medicine with plenty of nasty side effects….and yet still, he had TEN!  … in ONE night!Know what?!  It made me mad.  And sad.  But ” | |

  2. Pretty sure God sent this post to me!
    I have been running away from all God wants to teach me these past 3 weeks with Isaiah home from school. His needs have completely disrupted my life, his sisters life and any sense of the good we had going during the school year. I told Andrew last week and again when he walked in the door tonight that I am getting a job. I am failing at motherhood right now. I just want a quick fix to help Isaiah overcome his Autism. I want answers. I want him to have a good day tomorrow. I want the screaming all day long to stop. His screaming makes Bella aggressive so she screams and hits. My sweet girl has turned into a crazy monster. She can’t handle having him home all day every day. I can’t handle having them both home cause it takes crazy to a whole new level. I want the craziness to go away. I want my boy HEALED! The worst thing for an autistic child is to have their routine changed and that is out of my control. His school services only go 10 months out of the year. I want control. I am failing I trust God to take care of us this summer.
    Your post has given me new perspective. I need to just seek Jesus. I need to let is all go. I am in tears cause this is so freeing. I give up control right now. I seek Jesus. I seek His Will, not mine. I will carry this cross. I will not run away from the cross. I will run to Jesus, as He knows the sorrow and the pain of the cross. He has conquered Autism.
    Thank you sweet friend for sharing these thoughts with us. Love you!!

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