Every so often I would catch a glimpse. It was only a brief moment. Sometimes during worship. Other times during prayer. Often, however, it came right in the midst of chaos as I’d frantically sprint through my daily duties of wiping bottoms, comforting tears, feeding babies, schooling big kids, cooking, cleaning, brushing, bathing…..
Dancing. Smiling. Arms wide open twirling and laughing and singing as I worshiped my Heavenly Father.
He was right there with me.
Smiling. Laughing. Loving….
…Last Fall, I was home alone with Judah and Malachi on a Wednesday evening while the rest of my family was at church. It wasn’t an easy night by any stretch of the imagination. Judah was crying in pain from gas in his tummy. Malachi was crying, wanting to be fed and held. I was crying throwing my own pity party wishing I was at church like everyone else. Wishing I could interact with people. Wishing I could serve in the church alongside my husband like I once did. Wishing we could be a “normal” family that could all attend church together without such a struggle. More than anything, wishing I could be in the presence of the Lord at the 7:30 prayer meeting…my favorite service.
I stepped away for a brief moment to grab a tissue and I cried out, “Lord!! When will I be free?!! This is too hard!! I can’t do this anymore!”
In my heart He gently whispered these words, “You don’t have to depend on seeing Judah’s complete healing to experience that kind of freedom.”
I stood motionless and processed those words, suddenly realizing I had inadvertently assumed that the joy and freedom I so desperately desired would only come if my circumstances were perfect. But that’s not how it works! The beauty of the victory we have in Christ is that we can experience joy and freedom despite our circumstances. When circumstances pound on us like a thunderstorm we can dance in the rain!
The Lord continued to work, using many things to bring me to that place of freedom. He led me to supplements my body desperately needed to restore balance to my hormones, thyroid, and adrenals.
And He spoke His word over my life and confirmed the vision I had seen by using my husband and a dear friend.
In December, while Chad was praying for me, the Lord gave him these words for me:
“In the midst of the chaos, sickness, and challenges- know that I am with you. Know that My love exudes and penetrates out of every smile and twinkle in your children’s eyes. Don’t live for “when”, live for now, live in the moment.
Have you forgotten your first love? Your first cheer? The love and commitment that you held so dear? Have you pushed My hand away without looking to see that which I give? In the past, every moment and every encounter was an opportunity to share my kindness, warmth, joy, and peace. You didn’t hold back, you didn’t hesitate. But life can make things dim. Life has a way of stealing the joy and kindness that I once gave, that came so freely to you. Why wouldn’t he want to steal that? Why wouldn’t he corrupt and confuse the innocence that you thoroughly enjoyed with Me? Draw near to Me, I have never been far from you. I have never left you. I want to receive your pain but yet you hold onto it. You feel like it yours and yours to carry. I loose those chains now. I release freedom and peace into you. Yes, right now as you read these words it is possible to feel that peace, and anointing that will break the lies of the deceiver. Now come back, yes come running back. I will restore the years that the locusts have stolen from you and Me. Not just the health, money, homes and all of those things that your mind immediately gravitates towards. I am talking about something so much more precious and important to Me Krista, it’s your heart. Your passion. Your boldness. Your treasure. That is what I am restoring to you right now. That is what I am passionate about. The other things will be restored. Has it not been written? Did I not say that those were yours? Trust my child. Trust again. Let me mend your broken heart and heal your deepest wounds.
There.. that’s it. Crawl back into my lap for there is protection there.
I forgive you, yes of course I forgive you. I am sorry for what he has done to you. I am sorry for the pain. I hate to see it.
Why? Why has this happened?
For you live in a broken world. For you live in constant attack. For there is constant pressure that you do not see waiting to take and steal your very life.
I restore, I redeem, I recover. I will unfold the path and the steps will be made clear. In this moment, in this now, enjoy Me. Enjoy Me Krista. Enjoy My love. Enjoy the warmth. Enjoy the restoration. Enjoy the protection. Enjoy the peace. Enjoy the freedom.
To hell I send torment. To hell I send fear. To hell I send sickness. To hell I send anxiety. To hell I send every broken and bruised thing that is not of Me. To hell is where all of this belongs.
Now, do your part. Stand. Stand in agreement with Me. Yes I see it now, I see you twirling and dancing like a little girl. Cheer from ear to ear. Holding me tightly as if to squeeze out My very last breath. Don’t hesitate. Don’t be reluctant. Let it all go. Let it all go. This is real. This is you and Me. This is the conversation that you have desired for, for so long. Now you come. Now you come to Me and My throne for I have been waiting for you like a loving Father would for any child. Dance before Me. Dance before your King.
I don’t just put things back together. I make things better. For all things now will be better. All will be stronger. All will be forgiven. All will be restored. For My love runs deep for you.”
A few days passed before I heard from a friend, who knew nothing of my dream, who knew nothing of the word God spoke through Chad. She sent me this song that she had been singing over me: We Dance.
I look back to who I was just a short time ago and I hardly recognize myself. I had been bound by anxiety. Bound by flashbacks to Judah’s injury. Bound by fear. Bound with questions. I was constantly hurting inside over what happened to our life, to Judah’s life…
BUT GOD!!!!! Today, it is with thankfulness, grateful tears, and a heart full of joy and freedom that I can proclaim to you now –
My Father and I dance…
I twirl. He smiles.
Are my circumstances perfect? No. But He healed my heart. Sealed it with His love.
There are still some storms in our lives, but now I dance in the rain…
My prayer for 2014. Last year, my heart’s cry was, “GOD, HEAL MY HEART!” He used many things over the course of the year…it wasn’t overnight, but He answered my cry.
Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,